Positive Leadership In Project Management – The Leader and Conflict Management Frank P. Saladis PMP I recently read an article about conflict management that included the following quote; “Managing conflict is like riding a bicycle, all you need is balance and practice, practice, practice.” The article, entitled Managing Conflict and written by Angela Jackson, further mentioned that many people don’t actually receive any type of training or formal instruction in managing conflict, they deal with conflict using behaviors and approaches similar to those of their role models (parents, teachers, friends, and others that have had some influence). Some roles models may choose to deal with conflict through force and power while others may approach conflict in a cool and relaxed frame of mind. The results achieved using the techniques of the role model will generally be very similar to the results the role model had achieved. These results may not provide the intended outcome. Conflict certainly requires balance and each conflict we encounter provides us with a chance to learn. Returning to the bicycle analogy, it takes a fair amount of effort to achieve that balance. Some may choose a progressive approach using training wheels, then a helping hand and eventually some solo efforts that are short in duration. Over time, confidence builds and longer and more challenging excursions are attempted. Others take the direct approach and ignore the need for safety and precautions. Generally there will be a number of scraped elbows and knees and possibly a few more serious injuries when using this approach. Eventually balance is achieved but there will always be a mixed memory of pain and pleasure upon achievement of balance. Later on, our method of teaching someone else to ride a bicycle may mean a repeat of that painful approach. There is no question that we will all experience conflict in our business and personal lives. Conflict develops from many sources. Differences of opinion, shortages of resources, culture, religious beliefs, money or lack of it, values, ethics, prejudice, poor communication are but a few examples. The leader or aspiring leader realizes that managing conflict is a necessary skill that must be developed and maintained. It is also something we can continuously learn from. Leaders become aware of their behaviors and understand that emotions, knee-jerk reactions, and other spontaneous responses must be controlled. Most people have probably been through a conflict situation in which they walked away thinking “That could have gone better.” I frequently mention a quote by Steven Covey when discussing communications and conflict management: “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” I think that one statement, if actually practiced can have a profound impact in the resolution of a conflict. Another favorite quote of mine from my days back at AT&T in the operations environment where conflict seemed to be the norm is a statement made by a fellow supervisor who was witnessing a fairly intense argument. He said “No good advice was ever given at the top of one’s lungs.” I believe that to be very true and most of you who have had a conflict experience where shouting was involved will agree. To manage conflict effectively we must first realize that our own behavior may be part of the issue. How we approach problems and how we interact with people are key factors in conflict management. Here are a few things to consider when you feel that a conflict may be developing: Are you fully aware of what the conflict or potential conflict is about? Do you have all of the facts available? Can you explain some of the root causes of the conflict? Try to determine the source. Avoid “jumping to solutions.” There are probably several options to consider. What is your emotional state? If you are angry or upset, it is best to wait and regain your composure, balance, and objectivity Is the person or persons you are dealing with friends, family, work associates. Your behavior will be a significant factor here and could result in some very unfortunate results. Consider the political ramifications of your approach. I very wise person once offered some advice when my project team was about to make a decision. He simply asked “Are you fully aware of the implications of that decision?” This was his way of telling us that we really didn’t think through the problem. You may want to ask yourself that very question if you engage in a conflict and are about to make a statement or take a course of action. Review your actions and recent behavior. Did you do something that may have caused the problem? Avoid the use of words and phrases that can escalate a conflict. Word like never, always, should, or phrases like “you’re totally wrong” can result in much more serious situations. These and other words and phrases are referred to as “load words” and are hurtful and usually cause a negative reaction. What is the cost of being right? Sometimes it may be best not to pursue an issue. This is a real challenge but may be necessary at times to just “let it go.” Is being right worth the loss of a friendship or other type of relationship? Taking responsibility for solving a problem regardless of who caused it is better than seeking someone to blame. Assess your listening skills. Make an effort to become an excellent listener. This means ignoring distractions and focusing on the views of the others involved. Demonstrating that you are listening is, in itself, an effective way to reduce tension Be prepared to stop the discussion if emotions become elevated. Plan to take a break to ensure that calmness is maintained or restored. Discuss the situation with a trusted friend or mentor. An unbiased view may help you to see the other person’s point of view. Consider the problem and determine if the issue is actually something that is worth you time and effort. Sometimes we become involved in conflicts about things that, in the larger scheme, are quite trivial. Stay focused on the problem. Avoid using other people and issues to make a point. Many people tend to bring up the past or use unrelated stories to strengthen their position. Focus on the facts around the issue at hand. Peace Phrases Try thinking of “Peace Phrases” that can help you focus on the problem instead of the individual involved and example of a peace phrase is: It’s not you against me, it’s you and me against the problem! I Statements Use "I" Statements to help describe a situation and the help the other person understand your point of view. "I" statements are familiar to many people who facilitate conflict situations. An "I" statement is a way to analyze and reframe a situation. A common framework for an I statement is: I feel __________ (put a name on the emotion and claim it) example: sadness, betrayed when __________ (formulate a nonjudgmental description of the behavior) example: describe the situation using: When you say ______ or When you do _____. When you use my things without asking and don’t return them. because __________ (describe the tangible effects of the behavior). Example: It prevents me from accomplishing something important or something I committed to do. It causes me to change my plans considerably and results in a delay or it causes a very unsafe condition. Leaders are aware that there are many techniques for managing conflicts. Maintaining a balanced approach where both sides are considered, defining the problem clearly before taking action, and focusing more on desired outcome than position will create an environment where conflicts can be resolved effectively and reaching a win – win solution is more likely. © 2009 allPM.com Frank P. Saladis, PMP is Senior Consultant with International Institute for Learning, Inc. He has been involved in the development of standardized Project Management Guidelines (PMGs) for the AT&T Corporate Information Technology Services (Corporate ITS) organization and is the author of the Project Evaluation Review Process (PERP). He is the recipient of the 2006 PMI Linn Stuckenbruck person of the year award.